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Door closed, window closed, fan on. Check wardrobes to make sure nobody is inside. Close wardrobe doors. Check wardrobe doors are closed. Check again. Double check. Are you even trying? Check again.
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Turn desk chair so it isn’t facing you. Check under bed to make sure nobody is there. Check window is closed. Check desk chair hasn’t moved.
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Check ceiling to make sure nobody is up there. Check phone clock – if the time has a six in it, wait until it becomes a 7. Never go to sleep with a six present. Never write the numerical symbol for six. Never buy things in packs of six. Never sit at a table with the number six in it. Never stay in a hotel room with the number six.
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You have to go to the toilet. Go. When done, repeat steps below. Resist urge to check front and back doors. Check knife is under your pillow. The time has a six in it. Wait. You should murder your roommates. How could you think such a thing, you awful, disgusting human being? Erase thought from mind. Wow, you’re so quirky.
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Check window. Check under bed. Check ceiling. Check knife under pillow. Check time. You may proceed. Bedtime complete.
Written by El Bancroft
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