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From the beginning you have been there. From the time at which I wake to the time I sleep you are there and
Unlike the experiences with which I fill my days that come and go as they please, you have stayed with me through it all as a constant
Companion. You bring me weakness when I am in need of strength and bring pain when I am in need of peace. Sometimes you can go unnoticed till I almost forget you, but regardless, you have
Kept up with me and evolved in ways I could not have imagined.
Articulating the impact that you have had on me is a behemoth of a task. To describe you as a
Nuisance would not be giving you enough credit considering how you have burrowed your way into every aspect of my life.
A day seldom passes when I am not angered by your presence. I had thought after so long you could not surprise me with your antics
But you have change in ways not imagined, bringing me new pains and new fears. Forcing me to yet again adapt to a new way of
Living. I must admit I have not been much of a fan of the ways in which I have had to navigate my way through this
Existence. All the ways in which I am forced to live that separates me from the rest of my peers that accompany me
In this life. All the ways in which I must balance the things that will bring me elation and the things that will
Stop me crashing into the dirt. I do not take any enjoyment in restricting that which pleases me do to, though I would doubt
This is truly an individual feeling.
Now, I am known to engage in self-pitying sessions, and to bemoan to all that will listen. Misery does indeed love its company but today I
Do have more to say than just my grievances. Today I wish to list my good, my bad and my ugly, so I can show how
I have constructed myself around them. I wish to show that which drags me down and that which allows me to
Succeed in this life.
Negligent is what I have been to you. With my useless rage and disregard for you and what you have done and what you
Offer to me. While it is to be said that the form you have given me is one that is limited, you have also bestowed upon me a
Treasure. You have given me a form that restricts where I am able to go, what I am able to witness, yet given me
Hands that can move and with the modern age allow my whole body to move too. You have given me a constant desire to procrastinate but such wonderful bouts of
Inspiration from which I can create works of art. You have given me eyes that do not see clearly but have given me enough sight to
Notice the small and delightful wonders of colour and shapes that can exist within every fibre of our existence. You have given me a vision that is distorted but have
Given me the soul to find the beauty in it.
Although with this form, you have given me an isolation in ways that can be hard to put into words, you have also given me a
Body that gets to have the joyous ability of connecting with others. You have made me exist on a different plane to
Others but have given me the chance to find others that are happy to exist with me on that plane. You have made me
Unable to traverse this world in an inconspicuous way. You have forced me into attention that is not always wanted. However, you have also given me the
Tricks to own it in my own way.
Understanding where I am to stand, so to speak, within this world in which I find myself is a tricky task to
Show up for and put forth the will required for it.
Wholeheartedly is how I strive to live this life. Half-heartedly seems twice the effort for half the results and
I am many things, energy conservative being one of them. Though I do not wish to give praise to the experiences that have shaped me as that would be
To give praise to suffering, I must give credit to it. I am someone that has been moulded by what I have been compelled to
Handle. I have been able to juggle the new pains, the old pains and the pains that I am waiting to arrive. I will say while
On the whole, it has been a useful skill that has served me well, it is not one that I enjoy having to
Upkeep. It is a hard balance to find within myself, as there remains the strong desire to have not been pressured to learn
These skills, but also the knowledge that I would not be me without them.
Unlike what I would have asked for, but it is what I have. What I have I am happy with as I get to enjoy what I consider to be a pretty
Sweet existence.
Written by Sophy Barlow
Author
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